Albuquerque
Way back when I was just a little bitty boyliving in a box under the stairsin the corner of the basementof the house half a block down the streetfrom Jerry's Bait shopYou know the placeWell anyway,back then life was going swelland everything was just PEACHY!
Except, of course, for the undeniable factthat every single morningMy mother would make mea big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut!Every single morning!It was driving me crazy
I said to my momI said "Hey, Mom! What's with all the sauerkraut?"And my dear, sweet motherShe just looked at melike a cow looks at an oncoming trainAnd she leaned right down next to meAnd she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"And then she tied me to the walland stuck a funnel in my mouthAnd force-fed me nothing but sauerkrautuntil I was twenty-six and a half years old
That's when I swore that somedaySomeday I would get outta that basementand travel to a magical, far away placeWhere the sun is always shiningand the air smells like warm root beerAnd the towels are oh-so-fluffy!Where the shriners and the lepersplay their ukuleles all day longAnd anyone on the streetwill glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people,it wasn't long at all before my dream came trueBecause the very next day,a local radio station had this contestTo see who could correctly guessthe number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's buttI was off by three, but I still won the grand prizeThat's right, a first class one-way ticket to
AlbuquerqueAlbuquerque
Oh yeahYou know, I'd never been on a real airplane beforeAnd I gotta tell ya, it was really greatExcept that I had to sit betweentwo large Albanian womenwith excruciatingly severe body odorAnd the little kid in back of mekept throwin' up the whole timeThe flight attendants ran out ofDr. Pepper and salted peanutsAnd the in-flight moviewas Bio-Dome with Pauly ShoreAnd, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned outAnd we went into a tailspinand crashed into a hillsideAnd the plane explodedin a giant fireball and everybody diedExcept for meYou know why?
'Cause I had my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright positionHad my tray table upAnd my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha haAh ha haAh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckageI crawled on my hands and knees for three full daysDraggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bagAnd my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowlin' ballAnd my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkelBut finally I arrived atthe world-famous Albuquerque Holiday InnWhere the towels are oh-so-fluffyAnd you can eat your soup right out of the ashtraysif you wannaIt's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/CAnd I turned on the SpectraVisionAnd I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillowThat I love so very, very much when suddenly,there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?I say "Who is it?"No answer"Who is it?"There's no answer"WHO IS IT?!"They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the doorand just as I suspectedIt's some big fat hermaphroditewith a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostrilOh man, I hate it when I'm rightSo anyway, he bursts into my roomand he grabs my lucky snorkelAnd I'm like "Hey, you can't have that!That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me."And he's like "Tough."And I'm like "Give it."And he's like "Make me."And I'm like "''Kay."So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagusAnd I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrowsAnd I took out his appendixand he gave me a colonic irrigationYes indeed, you better believe itAnd somehow in the middle of it all,the phone got knocked off the hookAnd twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voiceAnd you know what it said?I'll tell you what it said
It said"If you'd like to make a call,please hang up and try again.If you need help, hang upand then dial your operator.""If you'd like to make a call,please hang up and try again.If you need help, hang upand then dial your operator."
In AlbuquerqueAlbuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short,he got away with my snorkelBut I made a a solemn vow right then and therethat I would not restI would not sleep for an instantuntil the one-nostrilled man was brought to justiceBut first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shopAnd I walked on up to the guy behind the counterAnd he says "Yeah, what do ya want?!"I said "You got any glazed donuts?"He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts!"I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts!"I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!"I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"I said "You got any apple fritters?"He said "No, we're outta apple fritters!"I said "You got any bear claws1?"He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check.""No, we're outta bear claws!"I said, "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"He says "All I got right now isthis box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels."I said "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the boxand I open up the lid and the weasels jump outAnd they immediately latch onto my faceand start bitin' me all over(rabid gnawing sounds)Oh man, they were just going nutsThey were tearin' me apartYou know, I think it was just about that timethat a little ditty started goin' through my headI believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh!Get 'em off me!Get 'em off me!Oh!No, get 'em off, get 'em off!Oh, oh God, oh God!Oh, get 'em off me!Oh, oh God!Ah! (more screaming)
I ran out into the streetwith these flesh-eating weasels all over my faceWavin' my arms all aroundand just runnin', runnin', runnin'Like a constipated weiner dogAnd as luck would have it,that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreamsHer name was ZeldaShe was a calligraphy enthusiastwith a slight overbiteand hair the color of strained peachesI'll never forget the first thing she said to me.She said "Hey. You've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true loveWe were inseparable after thatAw, we ate together, we bathed togetherWe even shared the same pieceof mint-flavored dental flossThe world was our burritoSo we got married and we bought us a houseAnd had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and SuperflyOh, we were so very, very, very happy,Aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to meShe said "Sweetie pumpkin?Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"I said "Woah! Hold on now, baby!I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"So we broke up and I never saw her againBut that's just the way things go
In AlbuquerqueAlbuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for meBecause about a week later,I finally achieved my lifelong dreamThat's right, I got me a part-time job at the SizzlerI even made employee of the monthafter I put that grease fire out with my faceAw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after thatI was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lotTryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencilWhen I see this guy Marty tryin' to carrya big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himselfSo I, I say to him, I say"Hey, you want me to help you with that?"And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes,"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on meHe's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic."Well, that's just greatHow was I supposed to know that?I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loudBesides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-BoySo what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdoteThis guy comes up to me on the streetand tells me that he hasn't had a bite in three daysWell, I knew what he meantBut just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular veinAnd he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all overAnd I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk,bleeding, and screaming(screaming sounds)You know, completely missingthe irony of the whole situationMan, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OKAnyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying itBut I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I! HATE! SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to sayAnd, by the way, if one day you happen to wake upAnd find yourself in an existential quandaryFull of loathing and self-doubtAnd wracked with the pain and isolationof your pitiful meaningless existenceAt least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing thatSomewhere out therein this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of oursThere's still a little place called
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I said "A" (A)"L" (L)"B" (B)"U" (U)"Querque" (querque)
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Albuquerque