Master of the House
My band of soaks, my den of dissolute'sMy dirty jokes, my always pissed as newtsMy sons of whores spend their lives in my inn,Homing pigeons homing inThey fly through my doors,And they crawl out on all fours
Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself downAnd meet the best innkeeper in townAs for the rest, all of 'em crooks:Rooking their guests and crooking the booksSeldom do you seeHonest men like meA gent of good intentWho's content to be
Master of the house, doling out the charmReady with a handshake and an open palmTells a saucy tale, makes a little stirCustomers appreciate a bon-viveurGlad to do a friend a favorDoesn't cost me to be niceBut nothing gets you nothingEverything has got a little price!
Master of the house, keeper of the zooReady to relieve 'em of a sou or twoWatering the wine, making up the weightPickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straightEverybody loves a landlordEverybody's bosom friendI do whatever pleasesJesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!
Master of the house, quick to catch yer eyeNever wants a passerby to pass him byServant to the poor, butler to the greatComforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!Everybody's boon companionEverybody's chaperoneBut lock up your valisesJesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!
Food beyond compare. Food beyond beliefMix it in a mincer and pretend it's beefKidney of a horse, liver of a catFilling up the sausages with this and thatResidents are more than welcomeBridal suite is occupiedReasonable chargesPlus some little extras on the side!(Oh Santa!)
Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the miceTwo percent for looking in the mirror twiceHere a little slice, there a little cutThree percent for sleeping with the window shutWhen it comes to fixing pricesThere are a lot of tricks I knowsHow it all increases, all them bits and piecesJesus! It's amazing how it grows!
(Oh, sorry loveLet's get something done about that)I used to dream that I would meet a princeBut God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit!Comforter, philosopher' and lifelong shit!Cunning little brain, regular VoltaireThinks he's quite a lover but there's not much thereWhat a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louseGod knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!
Master of the house!Master and a half!Comforter, philosopherDon't make me laugh!Servant to the poor, butler to the greatHypocrite and toady and inebriate!
Everybody bless the landlord!Everybody bless his spouse!
Everybody raise a glassRaise it up the master's arseEverybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!