Word Crimes
[Intro:]Everybody shut up, WOO!Everyone listen up!Hey, hey, hey, uhHey, hey, heyHey, hey, hey
If you can't write in the proper wayIf you don't know how to conjugateMaybe you flunked that classAnd maybe now you findThat people mock you online
Okay, now here's the dealI'll try to educate yaGonna familiarizeYou with the nomenclatureYou'll learn the definitionsOf nouns and prepositionsLiteracy's your missionAnd that's why I think it's a
[Chorus:]Good timeTo learn some grammarNow, did I stammerWork on that grammarYou should know whenIt's "less" or it's "fewer"Like people who wereNever raised in a sewer
I hate these word crimesLike I could care lessThat means you do careAt least a littleDon't be a moronYou'd better slow downAnd use the right pronounShow the world you're no clownEverybody wise up!
[Verse 2:]Say you got an "I","T"Followed by apostrophe, "s"Now what does that mean?You would not use "it's" in this caseAs a possessiveIt's a contractionWhat's a contraction?Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of wordsBy the omission of a sound or letter
Okay, now here's some notesSyntax you're always manglingNo "x" in "espresso"Your participle's danglin'But I don't want your dramaIf you really wannaLeave out that Oxford commaJust keep in mind
That "be", "see", "are", "you"Are words, not lettersGet it togetherUse your spellcheckerYou should neverWrite words using numbersUnless you're sevenOr your name is Prince
I hate these word crimesYou really need aFull time proofreaderYou dumb mouth-breatherWell, you should hireSome cunning linguistTo help you distinguishWhat is proper English
One thing I ask of youTime to learn your homophones is past dueLearn to diagram a sentence tooAlways say "to whom"Don't ever say "to who"And listen up when I tell you thisI hope you never use quotation marks for emphasisYou finished second gradeI hope you can tellIf you're doing good or doing wellAbout better figure out the differenceIrony is not coincidenceAnd I thought that you'd gotten it through your skullWhat's figurative and what's literalOh but, just now, you saidYou literally couldn't get out of bedThat really makes me want to literallySmack a crowbar upside your stupid head
I read your e-mailIt's quite apparentYour grammar's errantYou're incoherentSaw your blog postIt's really fantasticThat was sarcastic (Oh, psych!)'Cause you write like a spastic
I hate these Word CrimesYour prose is dopeyThink you should onlyWrite in emojiOh, you're a lost causeGo back to pre-schoolGet out of the gene poolTry your best to not drool
Never mind I give upReally now I give upHey, hey, heyHey, hey, heyGo Away!