Trapped in the Drive-Thru
Seven O'clock in the eveningWatchin' somethin' stupid on TVI'm zoned out on the sofaWhen my wife comes in the room and sees me
She says, "Is this 'Behind the Music'With Lynard Skynard?"And I say, "I don't know.Say, it's gettin' late...what you wanna do for dinner?"
She says, "I kinda had a big lunch.So I'm not super hungry."I said, "Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' eitherBut I could eat."
She said, "So what do you have in mind?"I said, "I don't know what about you?"She said, "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."I said, "That's what we're gonna do!
"But first you gotta tell meWhat it is you're hungry for."And she says "Let me think......What's left in our refrigerator?"
I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know."She said, "That went bad a week ago!"I said, "Is the chili OK?"She said, "You finished that yesterday."
I hopped up and I said,"I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?"She's like, "Why would I want to eat liver?I don't even like liver!"
I'm like, "No, I said 'delivered.'"She's like, "I heard you say 'liver!'"I'm like, "I should know what I said..."She's like, "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"
Well I was gonna say somethingBut my cell phone started to ringNow who could be callin' me?Well, I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin LarryCallin' for the third time today...My wife said, "Let it go to voice-mail."I said, "OK."
"Where were we? Oh, dinner, RightSo what d'ya want to do?"She said, "Why don't you whip up somethin' in the kitchen?""Yeah?" I said, "Why don't you?"
And then she says,"Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"I says, "No."She says, "Yes."I says, "No."She says, "Yes."I says, "No."She says, "Yes......Oh, here's your keys."
I step a little bit closerSay, "OK, where ya want to go?"She says, "How about The Ivy?"I said, "Yeah, well I don't know...
"I don't feel like gettin all dressed upAnd eatin' expensive food."She's says, "Olive Garden?"I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood...
"...And Burrito King would make me gassyThere's no doubt."She says, "Just forget about it."I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"
Then I get an ideaI say, "I know what we'll do!"She says, "What?"I say, "Guess."She says, "What?"I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"
So we head out the front doorOpen the garage doorThen I open the car doorsAnd we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignitionAnd then I turn it sidewaysThen we fasten our seat beltsAs we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thruHeading off to the drive-thruWe're approaching the drive-thruGetting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thruNow we're here at the drive thruHere in line at the drive-thruDid I mention the drive-thru?
Well here we areIn the drive-thru line, me and her.Cars in front of us, cars in back of us.All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a VolvoWith his brights on behind meI lean out the window and scream,"Hey, what you tryin' to do, blind me?"
My wife says, "Maybe we should park.We could just go eat inside."I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers,So I ain't leavin' this ride."
Now a woman on a speaker boxIs sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can.We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."
Then my wife says,"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind.I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwichinstead this time."
I said, "You always get a cheeseburger!"She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for."I put my head in my hands and screamed,"I don't know who you are anymore!"
The voice on the speaker says,"I don't have all day."I said, "Then, take our order,And we'll be on our way.
"I wanna get a chicken sandwichAnd I want a cheeseburger, too."She's like, "You want onions on that?"I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do...
"...Plus we need curly friesAnd don't you dare forget it.And two medium root beersNo, just one, we'll split it."
Then I said, "I'm guessin' thatYou're probably not too bright...So read me back my order.Let's make sure you got it right."
She says, "One: You want a chicken sandwich.Two: You want a cheeseburgerThree: Curly fries, and a large root beer-""-Stop, don't go no further!
"I never ordered a large root beer.I said medium, not large!"Then she says, "We're havin' a special,I supersized you at no charge."
"Oh." And that's allI could say, was, "Oh."And she says, "Now there is somethin' elseThat I really think you should know.
"You can have unlimited refillsFor just a quarter more."I say, "Great, except we're in the drive-thru,so what would I want that for?"
Then she says, "Wait a minute.Your voice sounds so familiar...hey, is this Paul?"And my wife is all like, "No, that ain't Paul,Now tell me, who's this Paul?"
She says, "Oh, he's just some guyWho goes to school with me.I sat behind him last yearAnd I copied off him in Geometry."
I said, "I know a guy named Paul.He used to be my plumberHe was prematurely baldAnd he moved to Pittsburgh last summer.
"He also had bladder problemsAnd a really bad infection on his toe."And she said, "Mister, please, you can stop right there,That's way more than I needed to know!"
And then we both were quietAnd things got real intenseThen she says, "Next window please,That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents."
So we inched ahead in lineMovin' painfully slowI got a little boredSo I turned on the radio...
["Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin plays]
[Click] Turned it offBecause my wife was getting a headacheSo we both just sat there quietlyFor her sake.
Then I looked at herAnd she looked back at meAnd I said, "Um,I think you have somethin' in your teeth."
She turned away from meAnd then turned back and said, "Did I get it?"I said, "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."
Then she said, "How about now?"I said, "Yeah, almost.There's still a little bit thereBut don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."
Now we're at the pay windowOr whatever you call itPut my hand in my pocketI can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like,"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty-two."I turn around to my wife, and say,"How much have you got on you?"
She just rolls her eyes and says,"I'll pay for this, I guess."So she reaches into her purseAnd busts out the American Express
I hand it to the ladyAnd she says, "Oh, dear.It's gotta be cash onlyWe don't take credit cards here."
I took back the card and said,"Gee, really? Well, that sucks."And that's when I found outMy wife was only carryin' three bucks.
I said, "I thought you wereGoing to hit the ATM today."She says, "I never got around to itSo where's your wallet anyway?"
And I said, "Nevermind,Just help me to find some change."Now the lady at the windowIs lookin at me kinda strange
And she says, "Mister, please,We gotta move this line along."I said, "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady,We won't be long."
We looked around inside the glove-boxAnd check the mat beneath my feetI found a nickel in the ashtrayAnd a couple pennies and a dime in the space between he seats
Before long I had a little pileOf coins of every sortThe lady counts it up and says,"You're still about a dollar short."
And now my woman's got this weird lookFrozen on her faceShe screams, "You know,I wasn't even really hungry in the first place!"
And so I turned aroundTo the cashier againI shrugged and said, "OK.Forget the chicken sandwich then."
So I pick up my changePick up my receiptAnd I drive to the pickup windowMan, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne-riddenKid about sixteenWearin' a dorky name-tag that says,"Hello, my name is Eugene."
And he hands me a paper bagI look him in the eyesAnd I say to him, "Hey, Eugene,Can I get some ketchup for my fries?"
Well he looks at meAnd I look at himAnd he looks at meAnd I look at him
And he looks at meAnd I look at himAnd he says, "I'm sorryWhat did you want again?"
I say, "Ketchup!"And he says, "Oh yeah, that's right.I just spaced out there for a second.I'm really kind of burnt tonight."
And then he hands me the ketchupAnd now we're finally drivin' awayAnd the food is drivin' me madWith its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starvin' to deathBy the time we pull up at the traffic lightI say, "Baby, gimme that burger,I just gotta have a bite!"
So she reaches in the bagAnd pulls out the burgerAnd she hands me the burgerAnd I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paperI bite into those bunsAnd I just can't believe itThey forgot the onions!