Close But No Cigar
Jillian was her nameShe was sweeter than aspartameHer kisses reconfigured my DNAAnd after that I never was the same
And I loved her even moreThan Marlon Brando loved souffleShe was gorgeous, she was charmingYeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word "infer"When she obviously meant "imply"And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thingBut frankly, I can't imagine why
And I told her, I said"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?No, I don't think we are!You're close! (Close!)But no cigar!"
Then I met sweet young JanetPrettiest thing on the planetHad a body hotter than a HabaneroShe had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about herShe got me all choked up like Mama CassShe had a smile so incredibly radiantYou had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searching aroundI'd found my soulmate finallyBut one day I found OUT she actually owned a copyOf Joe Dirt on DVD
Oh, no! I said"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?No I don't think we are!You're close! (Close!)Oh, so very close! (Close!)Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)So close!But no cigar!"
(Oh, yeah!)(Oh, no!)(Oh, yeah!)(Oh, no!)(Oh, yeah!)(Oh, no!)(ALL RIGHT!)
[Hand claps, trumpet solo]
Julie played water poloShe wore a ribbon on her left manoloShe had me sweating like Nixon every time she was nearMy heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed ofShe moved right up to #1 on my listAnd did I mention she's a world famous billionaireBikini supermodel astrophysicist
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize TheronLook like a big fat slobbering pigThe only caveat is one of her earlobesWas just a little tiny bit too big
I said"Hey! Are we doing government work here?No I don't think we are!You're close! (Close!)So very, very close! (Close!)Aw, baby, you're close! (Close!)So close!But no cigar!"
Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)But no cigar!