(Not) Getting Married Today
Mercedes:Bless this dayPinnacle of lifeHusband joined to wifeThe heart leaps up to beholdThis golden day
Will:Emma, I can't find my shoes
Today is for EmmaEmma, I give you the rest of my lifeTo cherish and to keep youTo honor you foreverToday is for EmmaMy happily soon-to-be wife
Emma, we're really getting married!
Emma:Pardon meIs everybody there?Because if everybody's thereI want to thank you all for coming to the weddingI'd appreciate your going even moreI mean you must have lots of better things to doAnd not a word of this to WillRemember Will, you know, the man I'm gonna marryBut I'm notBecause I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he isBut I thank you allFor the gifts and the flowersThank you allNow it's back to the showersDon't tell WillBut I'm not getting married today
Mercedes:Bless this dayTragedy of lifeHusband yoked to wifeThe heart sinks down and feels deadThis dreadful day
Will:Emma, I can't find my good cuff-links
Emma:They're on the dresserRight next to my suicide note
Listen, everybody, lookI don't know what you're waiting forA wedding, what's a weddingIt's a prehistoric ritualWhere everybody promises fidelity foreverWhich is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard ofWhich is followed by a honeymoonWhere suddenly he'll realizeHe's settled with a nutAnd wanna kill me, which he shouldSo, thanks a bunchBut I'm not getting marriedGo have lunch'Cause I'm not getting marriedYou've been grandBut I'm not getting marriedDon't just stand thereI'm not getting marriedAnd don't tell WillBut I'm not getting married today
Go, can't you go?Why is nobody listening?GoodbyeGo and cryAt another person's wakeIf you're quickFor a kickYou could pickUp a ChristeningBut pleaseOn my kneesThere's a human life at stake!
Listen everybodyI'm afraid you didn't hearOr do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of youIt isn't only Will, who may be ruining his lifeYou know we'll both of us be losing our identitiesI telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him MondayBut by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbageI'm not wellSo I'm not getting marriedYou've been swellBut I'm not getting marriedClear the hall'Cause I'm not getting marriedThank you allBut I'm not getting marriedAnd don't tell WillBut I'm not getting married today
Mercedes:Bless this brideTotally insaneSlipping down the drainAnd bless this day in our heartsAs it starts to rain
Will:Today is for Emma
Emma (Will):Go, can't you go?Look, you know (Emma)I adore you all (I give you)But why (The rest of)Watch me die (My life)Like Eliza on the ice? (To cherish)Look, perhaps (And to keep you)I'll collapseIn the apseRight before you allSo take (To honor you)Back the cake (Forever)Burn the shoes and boil the rice (Today is for Emma)Look, I didn't wanna have to tell you (My happily)But I may be coming down with Hepatitis (Soon-to-be)And I think I'm gonna faint (Wife)So if you wanna see me faintI'll do it happily (My adorable)But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral (Wife)So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner platesThirty-seven butter knivesForty-seven paperweightsFifty-seven candle holders
Will:One more thing
Emma:I am not getting married!
Mercedes with wedding guests:Amen!
Will:Softly said
Emma:But I'm not getting married!
Mercedes with wedding guests:Amen!
Will:With this ring
Emma:Still I'm not getting married!
Mercedes with wedding guests:Amen!
Will:I thee wed
Emma:See, I'm not getting married!
Mercedes with wedding guests:Amen!
Emma and Will:Let us pray
Will (Emma):That we are getting married (That I'm not getting married)
Emma and Will with Wedding Guests:Today!