Your Horoscope for Today
Aquarius:There's travel in your futurewhen your tongue freezesto the back of a speeding busFill that void in your pathetic lifeby playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces:Try to avoid any Virgos or Leoswith the Ebola virusYou are the true Lord of the Dance,no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries:The look on your face will be pricelesswhen you find that forty-pound watermelonin your colonTrade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus:You will never find true happinessWhat you gonna do, cry about it?The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
[Chorus:]That's your horoscope for today(That's your horoscope for today)That's your horoscope for todayThat's your horoscope for today(That's your horoscope for today)That's your horoscope for today
Gemini:Your birthday party will be ruined once againby your explosive flatulenceYour love life will run into troublewhen your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer:The position of Jupiter saysthat you should spend the rest of the weekface-down in the mudTry not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nosewhile taking your driver's test
Leo:Now is not a good time to photocopy your buttand staple it to your boss's face, oh noEat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo:All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligentExcept for youExpect a big surprise todaywhen you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
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Now you may find it inconceivableor at the very least a bit unlikelythat the relative position of the planetsand the stars could havea special deep significance or meaningthat exclusively applies to only you,but let me give you my assurancethat these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific,documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realizethat every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra:A big promotion is just around the cornerfor someone much more talented than youLaughter is the very best medicineRemember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio:Get ready for an unexpected tripwhen you fall screaming from an open windowWork a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem,you stupid freak
Sagittarius:All your friends are laughing behind your back(Kill them)Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest BorgnineYou've got hanging in your den
Capricorn:The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,but you know they're lyingIf I were you, I'd lock my doors and windowsand never, never, never, never, never leave my house again
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